felix_santi
New member
An adult song: http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/Group_X_video.html
Song titles revised for the aging:
Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"
The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"
Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"
Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"
Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"
Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"
Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"
Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"
Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"
Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"
The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"
ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN"
Elvis "HEARTBREAK HOSPICE"
Dylan "LIKE A KIDNEY STONE"
Queen "WE WERE THE CHAMPIONS"
Beatles "WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY MEDS"
Dion "LIMPAROUND SUE"
The Rolling Stones "LIMPING-JACK FLASH"
Tony Orlando "KNOCK THREE TIMES ON THE CEILING IF YOU HEAR ME FALL"
Helen Reddy "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME SNORE"
Willie Nelson "ON THE THRONE AGAIN"
John Denver "ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH (FIBER)"
Lesley Gore "IT'S MY PROCEDURE AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO"
Okay, I'm going to add my favorite...
The Eagles "YOU CAN'T HIDE THOSE THUNDER THIGHS."
Things to ponder:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasam lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
puzzle-fro the guys
http://www.averagjoe.com/puzzles/lotion
-puzzle-this one is for the ladies.
Guys, please notice this isn't "BAYWATCH", so do yourselves a favor: don't do this one!
http://www.averagjoe.com/puzzles/boywatch.html
________________
What happens when a Redneck wins the lottery?
http://www.bitoffun.com/weirds-Rich_Redneck.htm
_____________
http://www.averagjoe.com/caption226
I think this just shows you can't have your kayak, and Edith, too.
_____________
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
paperless toilet
Can't figure out if it's a Democrate or a Republican invention.
http://www.20six.co.uk/Locotes/archive/2004/02/23/v8l2jsbdlesc.htm
_______________
is it worht it?
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/media/pic_0287.jpg
____________
Then there were these two guys who had gone to the same
college and become great friends. During college, they had
a great time.
Anything that was going on, they were always right in the
middle of it.
Then they graduated, however, they each went their own
separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on
the street. They were very happy to see each other, and,
during the conversation, one of them asked the other what
he was doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were
always the one looking for excitement." "There is plenty
of excitement in this racket," explained the friend.
"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff
in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying
there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I
didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger
from the closet, and gave it a good swat ... You want to
talk about excitement???
I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
You gotta take this test ---
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you
can read each line aloud without a mistake. The
average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
from the top down.
Have fun!
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own danm blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he f@rted .
___________
Home Remedies
1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
_______________
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle packing factory. For many years he had a powerful urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to dismiss the thought he sought professional help. After six monthly sessions, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would never have peace of mind. Several days later, Yossel came home from work very early. His wife Sarah became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that he finally went ahead, did it and had just been fired from his job. Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. Looking up she said, "Yossel, I don't understand.
"What happened with the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired, too."
_______________
http://www.kontraband.com/show/show...NSFW=0&rtn=search-307&searchstring=mastercard
_____________
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to
Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a
proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his
head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The
Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality
of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider
going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,
"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
_____________
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got
to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,
so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought
up to the register.
She asked," What size condoms?" The customer replied that
he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she
reached over the counter,grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like
most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too
had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some
brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and
he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and
said,"One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he
had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual
contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.She asked him
to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave
him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said....
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Cleanup, register 5."
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan
is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own
250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place The
Jolly Roger"
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have
5000 head of cattle and they call my place Big Johns."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and
I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."
__________
Neglected Housewife
Susan phones her husband at work, "Ralph, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time. I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Susan says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Ralph, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then. The air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
_____________
Podunk University decided to field a rowing team.
Unfortunately, they lost race after race.
They practiced for hours every day but never managed to come in Any better than dead last.
The Coachfinally decided to send Irving to spy on the Harvard team.
So IRving traveled to Cambridge and hid in the bulrushes of the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.
Upon his return to Podunk, he announced: "I have figured out their secret."
"What? Tell us," they all wanted to know.
"We should have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."
_____________
The difference between Balls and Guts:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with "The Boys", being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or... are you flying somewhere ?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with "The Boys", smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say "You're Next !!"........
_______________
Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, sometimes decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Small wonder men are happier.
____________
This is a story about Yankel the farmer who, years ago in the old country, went to buy a dairy cow.
Two were for sale.
One, the seller explained, was from Pinsk and could breed an entire herd; it cost one hundred rubles. The other, from Minsk, cost ten rubles but could be expected to bear only one calf.
If anything, the cheaper Minsk cow looked better to Yankel than the Pinsk cow and Yankel decided to save his money.
He bred the Minsk cow successfully once, but subsequently she kicked and bucked savagely whenever a bull tried to mount her.
Baffled, Yankel went to consult the shtetl's wise rabbi, who had something to offer in almost any situation.
"This cow," asked the rabbi, "is it by any chance from Minsk?"
Yankel was astounded at the rabbi's perspicacity. How did he know? The rabbi stroked his beard at length.
"My wife," he said, "is from Minsk."
_________
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her
daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped
by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When
returning to her car she found she had locked her keys in the car.
She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car." He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud ..... "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
_________
A delegation of Yugo automakers arrive on an inspection trip to a Mercedes plant to check their quality control standards.
Herr Schmidt proudly tells them "We put a cat in every car out of the assembly line,close the doors,shut the windows.If by next morning the cat is still alive,than the car is re-examined,for it is not airtight"
Yugo delegation is highly impressed and invites Mercedes to visit their plant.
When the Germans arrive to the Yugo plant,they meet the plant manager
who proudly shows them a brand new Yugo and says:"We also put a hungry cat in each and every car we produce,close the doors,shut the windows , and put some cat-food outside of the car.If by the next morning the cat is still inside,than the car is just perfect.
__________
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8
cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I
sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the
transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
--Teaching Math In 1950--
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
--Teaching Math In 1960 --
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
--Teaching Math In 1970--
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
--Teaching Math In 1980--
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
--Teaching Math In 1990--
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
--Teaching Math In 2005--
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producción es $80 ...
Song titles revised for the aging:
Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"
The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"
Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"
Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"
Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"
Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"
Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"
Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"
Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"
Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"
The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"
ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN"
Elvis "HEARTBREAK HOSPICE"
Dylan "LIKE A KIDNEY STONE"
Queen "WE WERE THE CHAMPIONS"
Beatles "WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY MEDS"
Dion "LIMPAROUND SUE"
The Rolling Stones "LIMPING-JACK FLASH"
Tony Orlando "KNOCK THREE TIMES ON THE CEILING IF YOU HEAR ME FALL"
Helen Reddy "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME SNORE"
Willie Nelson "ON THE THRONE AGAIN"
John Denver "ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH (FIBER)"
Lesley Gore "IT'S MY PROCEDURE AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO"
Okay, I'm going to add my favorite...
The Eagles "YOU CAN'T HIDE THOSE THUNDER THIGHS."
Things to ponder:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasam lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
puzzle-fro the guys
http://www.averagjoe.com/puzzles/lotion
-puzzle-this one is for the ladies.
Guys, please notice this isn't "BAYWATCH", so do yourselves a favor: don't do this one!
http://www.averagjoe.com/puzzles/boywatch.html
________________
What happens when a Redneck wins the lottery?
http://www.bitoffun.com/weirds-Rich_Redneck.htm
_____________
http://www.averagjoe.com/caption226
I think this just shows you can't have your kayak, and Edith, too.
_____________
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
paperless toilet
Can't figure out if it's a Democrate or a Republican invention.
http://www.20six.co.uk/Locotes/archive/2004/02/23/v8l2jsbdlesc.htm
_______________
is it worht it?
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/media/pic_0287.jpg
____________
Then there were these two guys who had gone to the same
college and become great friends. During college, they had
a great time.
Anything that was going on, they were always right in the
middle of it.
Then they graduated, however, they each went their own
separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on
the street. They were very happy to see each other, and,
during the conversation, one of them asked the other what
he was doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were
always the one looking for excitement." "There is plenty
of excitement in this racket," explained the friend.
"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff
in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying
there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I
didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger
from the closet, and gave it a good swat ... You want to
talk about excitement???
I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
You gotta take this test ---
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you
can read each line aloud without a mistake. The
average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
from the top down.
Have fun!
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own danm blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he f@rted .
___________
Home Remedies
1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
_______________
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle packing factory. For many years he had a powerful urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to dismiss the thought he sought professional help. After six monthly sessions, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would never have peace of mind. Several days later, Yossel came home from work very early. His wife Sarah became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that he finally went ahead, did it and had just been fired from his job. Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. Looking up she said, "Yossel, I don't understand.
"What happened with the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired, too."
_______________
http://www.kontraband.com/show/show...NSFW=0&rtn=search-307&searchstring=mastercard
_____________
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to
Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a
proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his
head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The
Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality
of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider
going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,
"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
_____________
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got
to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,
so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought
up to the register.
She asked," What size condoms?" The customer replied that
he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she
reached over the counter,grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like
most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too
had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some
brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and
he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and
said,"One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he
had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual
contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.She asked him
to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave
him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said....
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Cleanup, register 5."
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan
is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own
250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place The
Jolly Roger"
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have
5000 head of cattle and they call my place Big Johns."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and
I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."
__________
Neglected Housewife
Susan phones her husband at work, "Ralph, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time. I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Susan says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Ralph, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then. The air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
_____________
Podunk University decided to field a rowing team.
Unfortunately, they lost race after race.
They practiced for hours every day but never managed to come in Any better than dead last.
The Coachfinally decided to send Irving to spy on the Harvard team.
So IRving traveled to Cambridge and hid in the bulrushes of the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.
Upon his return to Podunk, he announced: "I have figured out their secret."
"What? Tell us," they all wanted to know.
"We should have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."
_____________
The difference between Balls and Guts:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with "The Boys", being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or... are you flying somewhere ?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with "The Boys", smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say "You're Next !!"........
_______________
Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, sometimes decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Small wonder men are happier.
____________
This is a story about Yankel the farmer who, years ago in the old country, went to buy a dairy cow.
Two were for sale.
One, the seller explained, was from Pinsk and could breed an entire herd; it cost one hundred rubles. The other, from Minsk, cost ten rubles but could be expected to bear only one calf.
If anything, the cheaper Minsk cow looked better to Yankel than the Pinsk cow and Yankel decided to save his money.
He bred the Minsk cow successfully once, but subsequently she kicked and bucked savagely whenever a bull tried to mount her.
Baffled, Yankel went to consult the shtetl's wise rabbi, who had something to offer in almost any situation.
"This cow," asked the rabbi, "is it by any chance from Minsk?"
Yankel was astounded at the rabbi's perspicacity. How did he know? The rabbi stroked his beard at length.
"My wife," he said, "is from Minsk."
_________
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her
daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped
by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When
returning to her car she found she had locked her keys in the car.
She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car." He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud ..... "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
_________
A delegation of Yugo automakers arrive on an inspection trip to a Mercedes plant to check their quality control standards.
Herr Schmidt proudly tells them "We put a cat in every car out of the assembly line,close the doors,shut the windows.If by next morning the cat is still alive,than the car is re-examined,for it is not airtight"
Yugo delegation is highly impressed and invites Mercedes to visit their plant.
When the Germans arrive to the Yugo plant,they meet the plant manager
who proudly shows them a brand new Yugo and says:"We also put a hungry cat in each and every car we produce,close the doors,shut the windows , and put some cat-food outside of the car.If by the next morning the cat is still inside,than the car is just perfect.
__________
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8
cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I
sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the
transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
--Teaching Math In 1950--
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
--Teaching Math In 1960 --
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
--Teaching Math In 1970--
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
--Teaching Math In 1980--
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
--Teaching Math In 1990--
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
--Teaching Math In 2005--
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producción es $80 ...
