felix_santi
New member
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designer of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
__________
"The White House and the Capitol building were evacuated today as a small plane flew into restricted airspace. It actually got within three miles of the White House. Three miles! That's closer than John Kerry ever got." --Jay Leno
"At the time of the alert, Dick Cheney was in the White House working while President Bush was getting some exercise in a park in Maryland. Shouldn't it be the other way around?" --Jay Leno
"Congress was evacuated and it caused a 15-minute interruption of getting absolutely nothing accomplished." --David Letterman
"Did you see people rushing out of the Capital? It was unbelievable. That was the fastest Congress ever moved that didn't involve giving themselves a pay raise. What was really scary was Tom DeLay. He had to get 25 family members on the payroll out of there. There hasn't been this kind of panic and evacuation in the White House since that night in '98 when Hillary came home early." --Jay Leno
_____________
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.
The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers
accordingly.
Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim
and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
_________
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a
woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a
man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse
and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about
calling a doctor, I'm already here."
______________
JO: "Are you going to the party tonight?"
BO: "No, I don't think so."
JO: "Oh, come on, you'll have a good time."
BO: "But I have a case of gonorrhea!"
JO: "Bring it along...those guys'll drink any-
thing."
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
__________
"The White House and the Capitol building were evacuated today as a small plane flew into restricted airspace. It actually got within three miles of the White House. Three miles! That's closer than John Kerry ever got." --Jay Leno
"At the time of the alert, Dick Cheney was in the White House working while President Bush was getting some exercise in a park in Maryland. Shouldn't it be the other way around?" --Jay Leno
"Congress was evacuated and it caused a 15-minute interruption of getting absolutely nothing accomplished." --David Letterman
"Did you see people rushing out of the Capital? It was unbelievable. That was the fastest Congress ever moved that didn't involve giving themselves a pay raise. What was really scary was Tom DeLay. He had to get 25 family members on the payroll out of there. There hasn't been this kind of panic and evacuation in the White House since that night in '98 when Hillary came home early." --Jay Leno
_____________
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.
The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers
accordingly.
Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim
and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
_________
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a
woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a
man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse
and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about
calling a doctor, I'm already here."
______________
JO: "Are you going to the party tonight?"
BO: "No, I don't think so."
JO: "Oh, come on, you'll have a good time."
BO: "But I have a case of gonorrhea!"
JO: "Bring it along...those guys'll drink any-
thing."
