TwistedCU
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Sitting here reading this there were some old deep scars that I felt. The Summer after my Junior year in high school I was riding in my best friends car when we wrecked. He was killed instantly and I was basically unhurt. I was real angry all right - at God, at life in general. That kid was one of the best friends I'd ever had and had a heck of alot going for him. He also was like a brother - and my home/family life was a mess those days so my friends were like my family most times. Then I watched my Grandfather deteriorate from Parkinson's disease and alzheimers and eventually die a couple years later. The anger intensified and I carried that anger around for nearly ten years after that, drinking like a fish, skinning up my knuckles on any smart mouthed or scrappy poor unsuspecting bastard who had no idea what kind of fire I had burning in the emptiness inside me.
I too had the catholic upbringing and I'm not knocking catholicism, but the church and school I was exposed to mostly just turned me away from any concept of god and that fateful day in June '87 sealed my hatred for even the idea of a supreme being.
After years of beating myself up, I started to get it into my head that I was living a pretty miserable existance and decided it best to give up drinking (among other things) for a while. Then I met a gal who after dating her for a while talked me into going to her church - and let me tell you it took some convincing! Well lets just say it was nothing like I had expected. The stories and scripture from the Bible were the same, but everything else was different. Tha pastor was doing a sermon on pain, anger, and letting go of your own will. That didn't sit to well with me, a guy who damn near raised himself and toughed out every freakin thing that came down the pike is gonna give up his will? That was what kept me going! Then I got to thinkin' that I wasn't exactly living the way I wanted and maybe shaking up my plans was a good thing. I still didn't really believe in God but I felt pretty comfortable at that church and the pastor was really an insightful guy who always had me leaving there questioning my thoughts, motives and actions. Slowly I started reading and listening and trying to apply that stuff to my life. Without going into detail, I began to see evidence of God and eventually became a Christian.
Cutting to the chase, I married that gal and now have 4 kids. We go to a church that was started in my neighborhood by the first church. When I look back to the time when I started realizing I needed to do something different, and think about the goals I had set for myself, I can only laugh in amazement because I was seriously cutting myself short. I'm living a life today that I thought I was never going to live. Beyond my wildest dreams. Anger is something that can spark up in me sure, but I deal with it a whole lot differently today. That hole in me that I had spent trying to fill with so many different things is gone.
I'm not trying to preach, not trying to compare. The reason I just wrote a freakin' book here is because I want to point out that life can change in the blink of an eye, as you've unfortunately had to find out the hard way - but don't make the same mistake I made and carry anger with you. It will ruin you and affect everyone that is around you. If you find that it is eating you up then do something about it - find a church you're comfortable in, talk to a counselor or a good friend regularly about it.
As to your feelings on God I will say this - if you're angry with him then like it or not you believe he is there. Try a "God if you're out there let me know you. Let me know the truth one way or the other. Help all this confusion make sense" prayer or something to that effect you get the idea. If you do that and are sincere - trust me things will clear up on the subject in his time.
As to whyGod lets bad things happen, I believe everything that god does is good, but we have this thing called free will. Free will at times comes at a cost, as does any freedom. Remember that good can come from tragedy if you allow it to, and that through pain comes growth (just dont make it take 10 years :lol: )
I hope something I wrote here is of some use to you - it not I got carpal tunnel syndrome for nothin'!
I am so sorry you lost your friend. Tragedy sucks.
Sitting here reading this there were some old deep scars that I felt. The Summer after my Junior year in high school I was riding in my best friends car when we wrecked. He was killed instantly and I was basically unhurt. I was real angry all right - at God, at life in general. That kid was one of the best friends I'd ever had and had a heck of alot going for him. He also was like a brother - and my home/family life was a mess those days so my friends were like my family most times. Then I watched my Grandfather deteriorate from Parkinson's disease and alzheimers and eventually die a couple years later. The anger intensified and I carried that anger around for nearly ten years after that, drinking like a fish, skinning up my knuckles on any smart mouthed or scrappy poor unsuspecting bastard who had no idea what kind of fire I had burning in the emptiness inside me.
I too had the catholic upbringing and I'm not knocking catholicism, but the church and school I was exposed to mostly just turned me away from any concept of god and that fateful day in June '87 sealed my hatred for even the idea of a supreme being.
After years of beating myself up, I started to get it into my head that I was living a pretty miserable existance and decided it best to give up drinking (among other things) for a while. Then I met a gal who after dating her for a while talked me into going to her church - and let me tell you it took some convincing! Well lets just say it was nothing like I had expected. The stories and scripture from the Bible were the same, but everything else was different. Tha pastor was doing a sermon on pain, anger, and letting go of your own will. That didn't sit to well with me, a guy who damn near raised himself and toughed out every freakin thing that came down the pike is gonna give up his will? That was what kept me going! Then I got to thinkin' that I wasn't exactly living the way I wanted and maybe shaking up my plans was a good thing. I still didn't really believe in God but I felt pretty comfortable at that church and the pastor was really an insightful guy who always had me leaving there questioning my thoughts, motives and actions. Slowly I started reading and listening and trying to apply that stuff to my life. Without going into detail, I began to see evidence of God and eventually became a Christian.
Cutting to the chase, I married that gal and now have 4 kids. We go to a church that was started in my neighborhood by the first church. When I look back to the time when I started realizing I needed to do something different, and think about the goals I had set for myself, I can only laugh in amazement because I was seriously cutting myself short. I'm living a life today that I thought I was never going to live. Beyond my wildest dreams. Anger is something that can spark up in me sure, but I deal with it a whole lot differently today. That hole in me that I had spent trying to fill with so many different things is gone.
I'm not trying to preach, not trying to compare. The reason I just wrote a freakin' book here is because I want to point out that life can change in the blink of an eye, as you've unfortunately had to find out the hard way - but don't make the same mistake I made and carry anger with you. It will ruin you and affect everyone that is around you. If you find that it is eating you up then do something about it - find a church you're comfortable in, talk to a counselor or a good friend regularly about it.
As to your feelings on God I will say this - if you're angry with him then like it or not you believe he is there. Try a "God if you're out there let me know you. Let me know the truth one way or the other. Help all this confusion make sense" prayer or something to that effect you get the idea. If you do that and are sincere - trust me things will clear up on the subject in his time.
As to whyGod lets bad things happen, I believe everything that god does is good, but we have this thing called free will. Free will at times comes at a cost, as does any freedom. Remember that good can come from tragedy if you allow it to, and that through pain comes growth (just dont make it take 10 years :lol: )
I hope something I wrote here is of some use to you - it not I got carpal tunnel syndrome for nothin'!
I am so sorry you lost your friend. Tragedy sucks.
