The OFFICIAL Random thread

News Release from the Texas Department of Public Safety:

TDOPS Announces Immediate Recall and Retrofit of Dimmer Switches

Dullus, TX (APE) The Texas DPOS has announced an immediate recall of all steering column dimmer switches, requiring all vehicles sold and operated in Texas to be retrofitted with floor-mount dimmer switches. This is an immediate recall concerning the safety of all Texas residents. All Texas vehicle owners are to bring their vehicles to the nearest dealership or authorized repair shop for the retrofit or face stiff penalties.

Sargeant Dumass of the Dullus, TX DPOS cited a recent 2 year study of all accidents occuring after dark on Texas roadways and their link to the steering column mounted headlight dimmer switch. In an overwhelming 79% of all nighttime accidents, the cause of the accident was directly linked to a native Texan getting his foot caught in the steering wheel while trying to dim the headlights.

Film at 11.
 
mingez said:
Yeah. I can't stand it.
Here are the ones that irk me:

Basically "Basically, I was walking down the street, and he Basically swerved toward me, and I basically jumped out of the way. My catlike reflexes basically saved my life."

Quote/unquote ... "He quote/unquote lifted the car off of the ground, and the car quote/unquote fell on his foot."

No offense. A sentence preceded by, this all but guarantees an offensive statement. "No offense but you're a jerk."

:x
Click to expand...

Oh yeah... Those are classics!
 
Sparky-Watts said:
News Release from the Texas Department of Public Safety:

TDOPS Announces Immediate Recall and Retrofit of Dimmer Switches

Dullus, TX (APE) The Texas DPOS has announced an immediate recall of all steering column dimmer switches, requiring all vehicles sold and operated in Texas to be retrofitted with floor-mount dimmer switches. This is an immediate recall concerning the safety of all Texas residents. All Texas vehicle owners are to bring their vehicles to the nearest dealership or authorized repair shop for the retrofit or face stiff penalties.

Sargeant Dumass of the Dullus, TX DPOS cited a recent 2 year study of all accidents occuring after dark on Texas roadways and their link to the steering column mounted headlight dimmer switch. In an overwhelming 79% of all nighttime accidents, the cause of the accident was directly linked to a native Texan getting his foot caught in the steering wheel while trying to dim the headlights.

Film at 11.
Click to expand...

Oh yeah???

You Know You're From Kansas When...
You've been hit by enough tornados to know there is no such thing as Oz

You can properly pronounce Salina, Basehor, Schoenchen, Olathe & Osawatomie

A shotgun is your idea of instant messaging.

You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply

You're ready to shoot the next person who asks about Toto & Dorthy

You've had classes canceled for heat & snow in the same month

You support the Chiefs through thick and thin.

You have to travel 20 miles just to go to the nearest mall

The only tourists you see are on the way to Colorado

You know the meaning of Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Your closest neighbor is more than a mile away, and you can still see him from your front porch.

The terms Sooners, Huskers and Missouri Tigers cause the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up straight and your blood pressure to rise.

You are not surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition and bait all in the same store.

You know everything goes better with Ranch.

You know the real way to pronounce the name of Clintons state and the river... arKANSAS.

You never met any celebrities. (Bob Dole isn't a celebrity, he's your neighbor.)

You prefer the Little Apple over the Big Apple as a place to live.

You had at least one summer job that was bucking bails or custom cutting.

You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point, and more than once you've made a beer run to another state.

You know in your heart that K-State can beat Oklahoma in football.

You call that smell coming from the feed yards "money."

You know that Mt. Oread is really only just a hill.

Down south means Oklahoma.

You can properly pronounce Basehor, Cimmeron, Schoenchen, Kechi, Chautauqua, Arkalalah, and Osawatomie.

You really do think Sunflowers are beautiful.

You went to skating parties as a kid.

You'll pay for your kids to go to college...unless they want to go to OU or NU.

Your earliest driving lessons were in a field while picking up hay.

Your excuse for being late is the cows got out, and the boss accepts it MANY times

Your main drag in town is two blocks long.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Kansas.
 
A few things, too, that I've also picked up from my job at the Department of Redundancy Department where I work:

Police are searching for a car believed to have been used as a getaway vehicle. It is red in color......as opposed to red in shape?

Which brings us to: He drew a square shaped diagram....as opposed to a red shaped diagram?

Another of my favorites: My hot water heater needs to be replaced.....no, your brain needs to be replaced, Einstein! Why do you need to heat hot water? Wouldn't a more accurate title be "cold" water heater? Moron.

From a recent ad touting the Ford Freestyle: The CVT transmission has no gears......in other words, the Continuous Velocity Transmission transmission. Dorks.

Also, there are more to come, too.:p
 

I don't disagree with any of these, except for the following comments:
90Xjay said:
You Know You're From Kansas When...

You support the Chiefs through thick and thin.
Click to expand...

Nope. Not me. However, that does describe 99.99% of all other Kansans. I don't care for any sports except NASCAR and UFC/MMA.

90Xjay said:
You have to travel 20 miles just to go to the nearest mall
Click to expand...

Actually, for me, it's 30 miles.

90Xjay said:
The only tourists you see are on the way to Colorado
Click to expand...

....and we prefer it that way.

90Xjay said:
You know the meaning of Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

The terms Sooners, Huskers and Missouri Tigers cause the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up straight and your blood pressure to rise.
Click to expand...

Again, the sports thing.

90Xjay said:
You know the real way to pronounce the name of Clintons state and the river... arKANSAS.
Click to expand...

Technically, there is a state resolution that the Arkansas river is pronounced arKANSAS between the point it flows into the state and the point it flows out of the state.

90Xjay said:
You prefer the Little Apple over the Big Apple as a place to live.
Click to expand...
What is the "Little Apple"?:???:

90Xjay said:
You know in your heart that K-State can beat Oklahoma in football.
Click to expand...

Sports, again.

90Xjay said:
You know that Mt. Oread is really only just a hill.
Click to expand...

No, but at 4,039 feet, Mount Sunflower is Kansas' tallest peak.

90Xjay said:
Down south means Oklahoma.
Click to expand...

To me, "down south" means the CO-OP a block south of me.

90Xjay said:
You can properly pronounce Basehor, Cimmeron, Schoenchen, Kechi, Chautauqua, Arkalalah, and Osawatomie.
Click to expand...

Not only that, but we can also correctly spell "Cimmaron". :lol:

90Xjay said:
Your main drag in town is two blocks long.
Click to expand...

Well, here in No Hope, it's more like 3 1/2 blocks, but we're one of the bigger cities with a population of 750 and a land area of one mile wide by 3/4 of a mile long.:lol:

90Xjay said:
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Kansas.
Click to expand...

Only when the Pony Express is running every other week.
 
90Xjay said:
You have to travel 20 miles just to go to the nearest mall
Click to expand...

I find it funny that whoever wrote that used MALLS as a yardstick for culture or civilization. REAL cities don't have malls anywhere but the sticks, if at all.
 

ATM Machine... Automatic Teller Machine Machine?!?

NIC Card... Network Interface Card Card?!?

"WOW, that's a big shredder!" No, it's a chipper. CHIPPER! Chippers turn brush and logs into CHIPS. Shredders shred things. Like cheese. And it's only a Bandit 250. They get much larger.

And in other news... Fox 2 News came by while we were clearing up a 40 inch oak tree that flattened a van in the ice storm. They got a bunch of footage of us sawing, shoveling, chipping, and so forth. They interviewed my boss... So I watch the 5 and 6:00 news, which is something I don't usually do, because it is morbidly depressing. They showed the flattened van. That's it. Then went to a live shot of another reporter in front of an ice-covered tree all the way out in NOVI...

It is 18 degrees, and I am going to bed. :)
 
I still can't get over the fact that Bostonians call sprinkles "Jimmies". That means something else where I come from. Freakin' weirdos with your brown bread... :D
 

1-2.jpg
 
mingez said:
I find it funny that whoever wrote that used MALLS as a yardstick for culture or civilization. REAL cities don't have malls anywhere but the sticks, if at all.
Click to expand...

OK OK. so Sparky post a Texan slamming story and I google Kansas jokes and paste the first one I come to and everyone gives me grief... geeze, I didn't really expect anyone to read that stuff:

No Offense, Basically, I just "Quote-Unquote" posted a "random" post and you give me grief fur it. Man, thats what I'm talking about, LOL

:purple: :purple: :purple: :purple: :purple: :purple: :purple:
 
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